another week, another funeral. there was a time in my childhood when it seemed like everybody in our tangled network of family and friends was getting married. these days incense clouds my memories, tendrils of smoke dancing lazily in the air as mustard yellow sticks crumble into graying ashes. the clack of rosary beads and relentless singsong ave, marias fill my ears, occasionally interrupted by the thrum of sutras.
there is some beauty creeping under the sorrow: the muted joy of reunion of relatives and friends united. flaky layers of pate choud crumbling in my mouth, leaving me tongue tied as i bow low to yet another pair of black eyes, another head with graying black hair. perfume rising from my fingers as i pluck petals and scatter them into the grave. the secret pleasure that this very american me can take part in such ancient traditions: white on white on white, the rag-clad eldest son and daughter bearing a gilt-framed portrait, northern voices raised in that rich lilting melody.
every new service grows more tragic - not because time dulls memory, but more because every service hits closer to home. every face grows a little more familiar, every death more unexpected. the wispy-bearded face of a grandpa finally at peace yields to the shy smile of the boy whose body is riddled with gunshots yields to the confused expression of a woman who has lost her memory to cancer. and i can still hear my cousin’s wail as she collapses onto the polished coffin, the sharp-edged keen a sword that pierces my heart.
(spring is coming, just as the rabbit nips at the tail of the tiger. spring is coming, and when others swathe themselves in red and gold, we will bury the ashes of one named Spring in a world of black and white.)
yes, it seems that these days,that melody with its lilting minors sings me to sleep, that rough white cotton of mourning cloth chafes the skin of my brow. these days tendrils of fear creep slowly into my heart as i watch my father watch the mechanical clock, both of us watching the hands tick inexorably forward, watching and waiting.
